To The Most Determined

How can I range from genius to stupid

in less time than it takes

to realize I'm useless?

Anger fills my heart to know

the only people who want to be in my life

are only there for the agenda to appease their own soul

for the way I was treated when it mattered the most.

-Thrashing to the other side-

Do I really feel sorry for my pathetic life?

That I was so "tortured" and "mistreated"

with a roof over my head and food to feed me.

Am I misinterpreting my pain

for something shallow and vain?

Did the realities of my life

only seem to bother me in spite?

Anger fills my heart and soul

Because I can't make sense of this mess in my brain

that I'm not allowed to feel this kind of rage.

I should be grateful and gracious

for the gifts I've been given

To put words and colors

to all the feelings I'm feeling

Is it true? Was I left alone

for way too long

and thus I was gifted my song?

Does being an artist prove that this stain, my pain of my undying shame

is for real an end result

of a misuse of my love?

Why am I so broken, still after I've healed and healed?

the confusion in my mind still shakes my life

because there is an unyielding

degree of atrophy

of my heart muscles from a future thats bleak.

I pretend day after day that its not there

that I'm working and striving and taking good care.

But those shadows linger in the brightest of thoughts

that nothing will ever make sense of my soughts.

Nothing will ever mean anything because I failed so long ago

that I'm now a zombie.

Alive, but dead inside with no antidote

to cure me.

Guttural sounds to the active mind.

Sluggish movements to the free inside

Lore for the children to take good heed.

Lore for the elderly to keep the lead.

Gnashing my brain to my head.

Thrusting to the right and then banging left.

How to heal a pain that I'm only feeling in vain???!

How many scars till it becomes my skin?

How man cuts can I obtain

before I'm nothing but the tissue in between?

Someone, somewhere knows the Truth

of why I feel the way that I do.

And if they do know why I am the way that I am

will it even make a miracle happen?

To let the past not be a burden,

but a trophy awarded to the most determined.

-Amanda Lvnar 2024