You Broke the Chains from my Wrists

(I wrote this a while ago)

You freed me. You gave me the chemicals to separate the bond. Was it words? Was it a touch? What exactly is it that creates these "chemicals" that I have so unbalanced? And how did they get so unbalanced? And how can you tell? They did a cat scan of my brain one time. It was the first time I was in the hospital. I remember going into the room to get the scan. I remember going into the tube and then.... I remember waking up in my hospital bed. The funny thing about it, they never showed me the results. The never told me what they saw. When you break your foot, and they take an X-ray, they put the transparencies on the light board, well now they show you on a computer screen, and they explain to you what they see. Why didn't they do that for me? Was there nothing to report? If so, why do they say that I have a "chemical imbalance". Why couldn't they show me the catscan? I have theories about it. I have ideas about what they saw, what it meant and why it was kept from me.

If you give me the chemicals to balance my brain, why do I need medication?

I'm not really mad today. I'm not really angry about having to take medication today. I think I'm just lonely.

*It's been a day or two*

I'm watching the movie "Lost in Translation". I think I understand why the Scarlet Johanson and Bill Murray charactersare attracted to one another, they're both intellectuals. They're feel isolated from the people around them because they're brains crave interaction and conversations that stimulate they're minds and make them think creatively.

I think I'm the dumbest person on the planet. I let people use, abuse and disrespect me all the time. This causes people to make fun of me because I'm such a loser. They harass me all day long and I just wonder why people would waste their time making fun of me. If I'm such a loser wouldn't it be in their best interest to just leave me alone. But I hear them. I hear them all. day. long.

So this is why I'm confused: I'm lame. I'm a loser. I'm a follower. I'm predictable. I get it. I admit it. I'm not claiming to be some all-inspiring creative intellectual. I'm just a person. Who draws. And sews. And practices guitar. And hikes. And does yoga. And writes. And reads. Whatever. It just what I do to pass the time. Its what I do to fucking have something to do. To try to be healthy. I don't try to hang out with cool people. I don't try to be some kind of influencer. I'm just a fucking human being who is trying to get through life. hour to hour. note to note. WHY IS THAT SOMETHING TO MAKE FUN OF? I don't even have any friends. I don't even want any friends. I don't want any kids. So why waste YOUR LIFE making fun of me? In my opinion, thats the definition of a jerk. Someone who has nothing else better to do besides making fun of people. And if being cool means you waste your life making fun of people; then I'm glad I'm a loser.