Treacherous

Four Days Ago: I spent most of the morning just staring at the computer, waiting for my life to start. It's like I forgot how to be me. Then I realized that I'm just fueling everyone else's dream by watching their content and so I decided to get out and go for a hike. It's fall and I like to make sure I at least get out a few times every season. You know, just to watch the woods change. I went to Gunpowder today and its funny because the trail had so many leaves on it, you could barely see it. I almost got lost, I haven't been there in a while and I forgot which way to turn at a particular junction. I knew they both led to the same spot, but soon I realized I took the trail I've never taken before. I turned around once thinking I was lost, but then turn right back around and decided to just go for it. And further and further down the trail, I just kept getting fillled more and more with doubt. It felt like I was going deeper into the woods instead of on my way back out. Then as soon as I was on my last shred of confidence, the trail cleared and I knew exactly where I was.

I hope thats how life goes. You just keep going and going and its okay if you get lost, the trail will clear and you will find your way again. It's always when your on your last hope. But I feel like my last hope was 7 years dead, done and defeated ago.

I sat on a rock for a while and just enjoyed the tall trees, the flowing river and sweet little fish that swam in it. I kept getting this voice saying "You're alive". Whatever that means? I feel like a zombie. Meaning I feel like I was dead and I came back to life only to be half human. Is there a cure for zombies? Is that why I have to take medicine? Sometimes, I get really confused as to why I have to take medicine? I feel like everyone is hiding something from me and thats why I have to take meds. Because theyre lying about something and I'm some kind of sacrificial lamb that gets tortured in order to keep their secrets. And that sounds a lot like Jesus. (excerpt deleted about me comparing myself to Jesus)

It's later now. The sun has set and my room is dark. I'm tired. I feel a block and I'm not sure what to write about. I'm supposed to go see this studio apartment tomorrow. I'm trying to move out.

Three Days Ago: I'm perfectly aware that there isn't any reason why anyone should love me. I'm not saying that to be pitiful. I just am. Pitiful. The more I try, the closer I get is never near enough where I want to be. I only make mistakes. I only fuck shit up. And I'm not even exaggerating.

Later: I just got out of the shower. Man, they can be really therapeutic. My favorite part is when I get to my feet and scrub in between my toes. It's orgasmic. You got to make sure you get in between each one. I worked today and its my sister's birthday and also the anniversary of something else.

It's going to be winter soon. Another season come and gone. I think I know what I'm supposed to do now. Just keep going. I know my prince will never come. I know because I know I'll never deserve a love so pure. So, I don't care if I lose. I don't care if I'm wrong. I'm staying alone. Because without pure, true love there isn't any. Love only exist one way; unconditionally. Everything else is an imposter, an illusion, a fake, a phonie, a cover up, a lie.

Yesterday: I feel like I use blogging as a way to vent about my problems and I wish that it was more about positivity. When people ask me how I'm doing, I usually reply "I can't complain" because thats the most truthful, honest answer I can give. I can't complain because who the hell would give a fuck if I did? But somehow I've made this blog into my personal complaint box. I'm humiliated. For one my aunt and grandma tried to fix me up with this kid I said was "cute" like 6 months ago. And while yes he is cute and kind, I don't need anyone trying to fix me up. I don't want to hook up just because I think he's nice. I just said he was cute casually in passing and mostly because he seems kind and non-judgmental. He lives across the street from my grandma and I think he's a few years younger than me. But they invited him to a party at my house yesterday and at some point my grandma very publically made us exchange phone numbers. Not only that but quite literally the day before I had made a deal with myself not to give my phone number out to anyone. I was to say "I don't give out my number" but I didn't want to embarrass him in front of everyone so I just gave it to him. It like as soon as I try to make a rule, someone immediately puts me in a losing fight to break it. I don't even know why they would do that? It's not like I give anybody any reason to think I need help getting a date.

Full disclosure: I've been cutting all the guys out of my life for the last year. Any one of my "boys" that I suppose you would say are "on the hook", I've (tried to) cut loose. One of them did something horribly embarrassing to me and I just don't trust him because I think he has a bet going with another one and now I don't trust either of them. I really don't feel like going into the specifics of each one but there are several that I guess I "talk" to but I always viewed us as just friends, but I now understand that there is no such thing as a guy/girl friendship that isn't unbalanced. And so, I don't talk to any boys anymore. And I don't have any girlfriends so basically, I'm left with no one. Which is why I write. Am I wrong?

Today (Monday): So I lied to my doctor. I had an appointment this morning (I'm off today) and I decided to do a video interview because I never want to go to my program in person ever again. It has something to do with one of my "boys" that embarrassed me. Not entirely, but something. I just don't trust my doctors or my therapists. I don't believe that theres anyone out there that really wants to "help" me because it would mean taking away from themselves. And I don't know how else better to explain it than there is just no help out there. So I lie. It's really the only time I lie is when my doctor asks me if I'm having any mental health symptoms I say no. Because what does that even mean? Do I have anxiety? Do I have depression? Of course I do, I'm a ball of nerves and completely alone in the world. So no, I don't tell him about my crippling depression, and no I don't tell him about the "voices" in my head because I've learned that it doesn't help me any, it helps them. Maybe I'm too cynical, but I don't think so. It's just the one lesson I've learned in life, no one is for real your friend. It's mono y mono. That's why I'm never going back to my program for anything other than my medication and my one doctor appointment every three months.

I'm trying to work on this site. I keep getting stuck on the part where I don't want to share too much because I don't want anyone to steal it. But isn't that the point? For my ideas to spread? For some reason I feel like there is no way for me to win. The last thing my doctor asks me is if I've been doing anything creative? Which just gives him away. It's like now that people know I do art, they always ask me about it. I hate it. It such an obvious confession that they want to know if I'm real or not. Or they want to make fun of me that I'm not doing anything. I told him "I don't know".