Seeking Foundation

I've found another way to bring structure to our blog. For the last two days I've used word prompts for my drawing exercises and I really am okay with how things are working out. I don't feel like todays concept is as strong as the one I did yesterday, but its not terrible. I actually have picked two words, one is a noun and the other is a verb and todays combination is "seek" and "foundation". And I thought that maybe I can extend the word exercise to structure our blog as well.

Immediately this word combination resonated with me. I have found that I really don't have any roots. The people closest in proximity I don't trust and the people I trust are no where near my world. Its weird because if there is one person in this world that I trust as a mentor, as a friend, and as sage is someone that barely knows I exist. I haven't talked to her in a very long time and I'm not sure how I could ever bring her back into my world. I wish I could, she's and old boss of mine from back when I was a teenager. I tried talking to her several years ago and she told me that she always knew I was special. I tried asking her to coffee a couple years ago, but it never came into fruition. But whenever I think about finding my roots, I always think of her.

I guess another way (and its my drawing that made me think of this) of establishing roots would be to center myself with what I know, like hiking, sewing, drawing etc. You know, I've been praying and wishing and begging for a sign and maybe this is it: Seek Foundation. I need to focus on the things that make me, me and let that ground me instead of people. Maybe the forest, my sewing machine, pens and paints hold more wisdom than I could ever find in another human? Maybe the forest is searching for me?

I do hike, but I could definitely get out more. I realized today just how much time I've been wasting. When I got home from work today I did a couple chores and then immediately started drawing until I finished my little thumbnail and it was still only like 5pm. Its 6:22p now and I feel like I still have so much time left in the night. I have to wake up early for work tomorrow and I need at least 8 hours of sleep. My meds have me sleeping crazy amounts of hours and if I don't get enough I will seriously sleep through my alarm. Its the hardest part of my day- getting out of bed.

So our music topic of the day I think I we'll just get it over with and make it Brand New. Anyone who knows only one thing about me knows my favorite band is Brand New. I've loved them since the very first time I heard them. The second time I heard them and then every time after that. They are the taproot of my musical foundation. The first time I heard them I was with this kid I met at this party and he was giving me a ride home. He had them playing and I remember loving it so much, but after I couldn't remember for the life of me what the band was called. All I remember was something about England.

The second time I heard them a friend of mine from another school made a mix cd for me and I loved "A failure by design" and realized after I listened to them more it was the same band from that car ride. I picked them out twice.

Then "The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me" came out and I fell hard in love. It took my breath away the first time I heard the first line "Jesus Christ thats a pretty face". It made me believe in love again. It made me believe that there was someone out there that felt to the depths of which I felt. It would only be a decade later before I realized he wrote that line about me. If you understand what I mean when I say that, then you understand.

After I cleared the Brand New stage, I became interested in the kinds of music that inspired them and the music they listened too. So, I found The Smiths, Built to Spill, Archers of Loaf, Neutral Milk Hotel. Then I started listening to their "cousins" Manchester Orchestra, Kevin Devine, Modern Baseball, The Front Bottoms etc. (None of this in any specific order). But all these bands started to build my repertoire and expand my musical taste to not only a band, or genre, but to a movement, to Rock and Roll.

As Brand New released other albums something special also happened. The pop-punk gods evolved into a heavy alternative thoughtful and poised rock band that grew up as I was growing up. So, in a way we grew up together.

I know that Jesse Lacey has some skeletons that became public and at first I was really heartbroken. He was the man who made me believe in love and that he could be capable of such things really shook me. But, you know what? I've done some really horrible things too. And I'm not saying he should be given a "get out of jail free" card, I'm just saying that somewhere in my heart I know that he was set up.

I've seen them play live three times. The first time was the best. I was in Seattle and they were on tour for Devil and God and I was used to going to small shows where you didn't need to buy your ticket in advance and when I got to the the door, all ready for the show-they were sold out. I just stood there dumb-founded in a crowd of people hanging by the door waiting to get in. I didn't know what to do, I was seriously lost. I was in a city where I knew practically no one. I basically lived alone because my roommate was in the military and gone for months at a time. I was 3,000 miles from home in the middle of the city wishing I could get into a sold out show. Then, out of no where I hear a kid whispering "anybody wanna buy a ticket". I said yes and asked him how much and he just wanted what he paid for it, he had bought the ticket in advance and was hoping to get a ticket for his girl at the door, but they were sold out. He was trying to sell his because she couldn't get in. So sweet. So I got in! I got a in! And it was one of the best shows I've been to, til this day. It was at the Showbox in Seattle and it was small and intimate and he told stories about this songs and they were awesome. They played with Thrice and Mewithoutyou. They all were great. That was in 2007, then next time I saw them wasn't until 2013? I think. It was at a festival and Vinnie was late. I hate festivals. The crowds are too big, its hot, you're there all day so its exhausting. And its just too much going on for me, especially to enjoy my favorite band. I like small shows. I saw them again in 2015 with Modest Mouse, they were doing their farewell thing with the roses and I remember they had incense burning on stage which I could smell cause I was up close. Oh and there was also a time I missed them in New York, but I don't feel like getting into that story. Its too stupid to want to remember. They also played with Modest Mouse that time and I got to see them twice now. I love Modest Mouse too, I would add them into bands that Brand New turned me into, but I already liked them separately. But I got this sweet tour poster with both their names on it. Its one of my favorites. I say that and hope to god its safe in my storage.