No one can catch him

Monday March 18th, 2024

Side A

Really don't feel like doing anything today. I really want to take a nap and then watch a movie and then take another nap. But I can't. I tried laying down and I just feel guilty, like I'm wasting time. And I tried looking for a movie, but there is literally nothing that I want to watch. Netflix is a waste of my money. I keep trying to get rid of it, but I let my mom use my account and she wants me to keep it.

So, here I am, in my studio with my first record on: Patsy Cline- Her Greatest Hits. I've definitely heard of her and I'm almost certain she sings country. But this definitely doesn't feel like the country I know of today. Wikipedia says "she's one of the first country artist to cross over to pop music". Which I suppose sounds about right. I just realized while looking at the cover, that this is a cover album.

A Tribute to Patsy Cline

Sung by Holly Lane

Coronet Records

(no date)

For some reason Betty Boop comes to mind. I think this music sounds like old cartoon music. I'm not gonna lie, so far it's really not doing it for me. I think I like my music with a little more depth.

I think I'm just aggravated today. I had a doctors appointment that I feel didn't end well. Talking to my doctor is like trying to dodge landmines. I can only talk about certain things in a certain way, if I slip up, if I reveal too much he mocks my pain. If I don't say anything he just pushes and pushes until I do. So, I'm left feeling even worse about myself than I did when I went in. I already know why they call them "shrinks"

Side B

Then I watch this comedy special on Netflix, Taylor Tomlinson. I think she's very funny, but she talked a lot about mental health. She drove home the point that not taking your medicine when you know you have a mental health disorder is just making everyone else around you miserable. Wow. I guess I know why everyone hates me.

I'm going to paint for a while.

Next album

Patsy Cline- Today, Tomorrow & Forever

Hilltop Records

(no date)

Side A

Same song as the first track on the last album and this is dramatically different. Patsy Clines actual voice has that yodel-esque quality that really portrays a lot of emotion. Wow, I can't believer how much better this is than the last cover album.

OoOoh she has that Cry-Baby yelp. I die 🫠 😩. I can definitely see Cry-Baby listening to this. Don't mean to beat a dead one, but I just can't believe how much better this is than the cover album.

Painted for a while. I'm trying to emulate the style of a painting I did back when I was in college. I have got certain elements figured out, but I'm still missing something. And I realized when I was painting what that missing piece is; play. I'm so rigidly trying to create something masterful when the painting I'm trying to portray was made in a state of flow. I was just playing and working and creating something. I was imagining and making up the rules as I went along. These paintings that I'm working on need more of that freedom.

Next Album

Zappa- Zoot Allures

Warner Bros. Records

1976

His 22nd album. Holy shit. Blues Jams. That what it sounds like to me so far. I have listened to Zappa before, but I probably couldn't tell you one of his songs. I wish I knew more words to describe music. I can hear him bending strings and using a whammy bar. And I wanted to describe it as progressive, but I wasn't sure I was right and when I just looked up the album on Google I read something about it being progressive. I just need to trust my instincts more.

I think I've flipped to side B

I felt a connection to the music while I wasbpainting, like I felt in sync with it. There isn't a lot of vocals and the vocals that are there are... weird. I did kind of wish I still smoked weed because smoking while painting while listening to this would have been fun. But I don't smoke any more.

Wednesday March 20th, 2024

I'm having an anxiety attack.

My doctor won't prescibe me any PRN's so I have to "cope" the natural way, which honestly is probably the best way. The way that makes you more creative.

What is this anxiety attack about? I have no idea. But I feel panicked and helpless like I'm falling down a well. Figuratively, I should grab onto something so I don't hit the bottom. I don't know, feeling emo, might delete later.

But there is a fluttering in my chest. Blood rushing to my shoulders. and an inablitity to concentrate on one particular thought. I feel like I'm thinking too many things at one time.

So best thing to do is just cope. So I'm going to paint and spin some sound.

We're starting with another Zappa album.

Frank Zappa- apostrophe ( ' )

Warner Bros Records

1974

I finished side A. and already I feel about 60% better. Better when I was actively painting, but now that I've stopped, I feel a little uneasy.

Frank Zappa is weird. I feel like I'd be a loser if I said I didn't like it. I just don't think I'm high enough to really get the full experience. I like the music, I don't mind the instrumentation, its the lyrics that seem so non-sensical that I feel like that is the point he's trying to make... that his music is in the instruments and he's just adding lyrics to make fun of lyrics? I could be wrong.

I'm going back to painting. 3:12p

3:27.

Side B just reaffirmed my thoughts on Side A

Next Album:

Little Feat- The Last Record Album

Warner Bros.

1975

Side I

going back to painting.

3:52p

I think it kind of had a Grateful Dead, Phish jam band thing going on without the prolonged jam. I need to learn how to phrase these descriptions without saying they sound like Google says a mix of "blues, R&B, country and rock n roll styles together" Okay, I could have said that. But I was thinking more like blues melodies, with an R&B rhythm, with a country style in the rock-n-roll genre. That sound about right?

I'm doing something weird with my paintings. Let's back up here, I'm really a printmaker. That's what I identify as; a printmaker. I love printing, I like mixing colors, I love making plates, and I love designing them. I feel like I was ripped from the printmaking world because in order to do the kind of printing that I like to do, you need a press. 1. I tried going to a shop, it was too far away and too expensive to sustain. 2. They are too expensive and space consuming to have at home. So I think I've finally found a Segway from my printing style to drawing style into painting. I really like the way they are turning out. And I just had a really good idea, that I'm saving for later.

I kind of wanted to make some Banana Nut Bread today so I think I'm going to take a short intermish and I'll be back. 4:07p

5:05p

Just put the banana bread in the oven. I used chocolate and peanut butter chips in there too. I just saw them at the store and thought that sounded good, like a chunky monkey situation. I don't have a bread pan, so hopefully the pan I used works.

While I was walking to the store and shopping I was listening to Hozier. I really like him, ever since 2015. Since I was buried in the studio the songs were burned into my life-map. I don't listen to him often, but every time I do I'm reminded of that time of my life.

I was not in a very good mental state at the time. I really don't even know how I was able to function. I was crying all the time, disassociating for hours. There was a second level to the art building. There were several levels for art, dance, theater, and music. The first level was art. But I would go to the second level and pace in a giant circle that rounded the atrium-like center of the first floor.

Side II

6:04p

The banana bread is finished. I'm waiting until after dinner to eat it so it can cool off. I prepared some veggies to roast; Brussel sprouts, carrots, and celery. Why those particular veggies? Because they were the veggies in my fridge that needed to be eaten. Throw on some olive oil, salt. pepper and chopped garlic. Plus, I put the remainder of the garlic bulb with some olive oil so it can roast with the veggies. It makes for a good smear on bread when it's finished.

In the interim of all this, I had a revelation. See, there was this aspect of my, ahem, "journey" that I could never understand. I would think to myself over and over wishing for an insight that would explain this particular part, but I could never understand. And would feel like all the other insights meant nothing because this one seemingly had none. I feel a weight lifted in a way. Like order was restored in my life.

It kind of makes me wonder about the anxiety I was having earlier. And because I chose to sort it out with my coping mechanism that the universe gifted me with insight. Now, I know this isn't the first time I had anxiety and decided to use a coping mechanism, but it somehow feels like the most methodical time I did it. In the past, usually when I have an anxiety attack I try to take a nap or go to sleep and a lot of times I would eat. Hence all my gained weight. But maybe now in the future when I feel an anxiety attack I should immediately use a coping mechanism.

For the record, I don't feel the pressure I was feeling earlier. That pressure to escape my thoughts because I could feel the herd of demons barreling towards me. Too far away to make out what they wanted, but close enough to feel them coming.

6:38p

Veggies are done.