Moody Mix

Tuesday 4-16-24 7 something pm.

I was just sitting here waiting for the sun to set. It's so warm in my apartment because I have a whole side of west facing windows. Which is great for my plants, but sucks for me and Mira. It's still too early to put the air conditioning on.

I should turn on music if I want to make this formal. I'm not going to put any vinyl on, I'm just going to play some Spotify. I have a mix that was customized for me and I've been listening to it the last few days; it's called "Moody Mix". It's basically like soft alternative. Like Mazzy Star which I really love. She takes me back to when I bought her CD in like 2016 and I had it on repeat and now she always reminds me of driving down eastern and broadway feeling like I knew exactly where I was. I'll talk more about her some other time.

I was trying to escape the heat so I was checking on my website and I reread some older blogs and I realized that we have kind of lost the original format, where I not only talk about music ( which has turned into going through my Dad's music collection) and also our word prompt. I have been doing a word prompt exercise in my books, but I lost it on here. I use a dictionary app and use the word of the day. So, today's word is "inalienable".

inalienable-impossible to take away or give up.

So here is where I'm supposed to pull something out of my ass and make something relatable to the word.

Gonna think it/write it out.

When I think of an inalienable need or an inalienable right I think of love. (of course) My name; Amanda means "worthy of love". Whenever I get tripped up on feeling like I don't deserve love, I think about what my name means. And although I never liked my name much, I've come to terms that it was what my name was supposed to be. Because often I feel unloveable and unwanted, I feel like I don't deserve to be loved. But then I think of my name and it gives me hope. That I'm Amanda- and I am, in fact, worthy of love. My name says so.

And though Amanda may be a common name (which is why I never liked it) there is something I realized a few years ago and that is that

a -m -a -n -d -a

has three a's and they are spaced out in a way that I think is very musical. I used to wish my name was Hannah because it was a palindrome, but I think I like Amanda better because it's asymmetrical and yet still presents a pattern like a prime or a golden ratio. It also reminds me of song structure.

I've never told anyone about those opinions on my name.

Worthy of Love

I think of who I am and what I stand for

like seaweed grass and cloudless rain

and I'm shackled to the thought of disorder

a subway that only goes one way

I lie awake and crave the drowning of sound

to cover my thoughts like a blanket on a fire

I hear the lights flicker and the cars on the ground

I can only blame myself, the liar.

But when I take the blame for this retched mess

like a God complex gone horribly wrong

Im given a beautiful gift to love and protect

Its made my life into a resplendent song

Its our inalienable need to be loved

like a sad child needs a blanket

but we kill it all just because

and never seem to get it

Its 9:03p

My aunt called and talked to me for an hour while I tried to write this poem. It's my poem for the word of the day. I am very tired. But I'm pleased with this poem. As much as I'd like to sit here and write, I took my meds already and my eyes are barely able to stay open. It's only 9 I know. But the time has come. Thanks for hanging out.

-Amanda, worthy of love