breaking from the floor

I'm starting with a title today. Normally, I use something I thought of while writing, but I really liked the idea of "breaking from the floor". It sounds like something you would say when you're "falling apart" like some people say "breaking at the seams" but breaking from the floor implies the same thing, but I assume you wouldn't call it a cliche because I don't think anyone has said it quite that way before. However, I am saying it because my old lady bones need a break from sitting on the floor.

I'm cutting fabric, preparing to make several, I think nine to be exact, small zipper bags. Up until this moment I have really enjoyed the process so far. I buy all (most) of my fabric second hand from the thrift store and I have some really cool scraps I've been saving for something and this is the perfect project to use them. I really love mapping out all the designs and color coordination. Color is my most favorite part of art. I love mixing colors with paint or ink and I love matching fabric. When I was in the print studio, half of my time would be spent mixing the perfect colors and creating color palates. I feel like mixing these fabrics feels like the same feeling.

In my "work room" or rather "backspace" lol which is always what I wanted to call it. It's what I call my "gallery" on this site. But "The Backspace" is a great name for this room too because it is the back room in my apartment. Anyways, so in "The Backspace" I am prepping fabric for these small zippered bags and I am sitting on the floor. I am planning to build a table for this sort of thing, but I think I will have to postpone it until spring because of the weather. I can't build stuff outside in the snow unfortunately. But cutting your fabric is a very laborious process and I think it is an axiomatic step because if you cut badly you're only setting yourself up to end badly.

In other news, I have listened to several albums since the last post. And my reviews are as follows:

Traffic- The Low Spark of High Heeled Boys

I could take or leave it, nothing really spoke to me. Wasn't unlistenable, but not compelled to listen to it again.

Uriah Heep- Return to Fantasy

Very spooky, but not disturbed, demented or unhinged.

Rod Stewert- Smiler

What I would call "good, clean rock-n-roll".

Jefferson Airplane- The Worst of Jefferson Airplane

The most hippie music I've heard in a long time. And something I found interesting was that this vinyl was much lighter than I remember the others being so far. But it somehow felt longer on each side. I thought the weight had something to do with the amount of song capacity it could hold. I need to look up what is significance of the weight.

It's very cold today in my apartment, but I'm reluctant to turn the heat up. My bill was already way too high last month. I love having all these windows, but they come with a price... literally (bad joke). I think I might swap the wax and sit my butt back down on the floor now and finish cutting this material. I might be back....

Oldham Pencil Case 7”x8” (sketchbook not included ;)

Buy Now

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back.

break from the floor pt. II

I have two more left and it's actually eleven that I'm cutting.

listening to James Gang- Live in Concert. First note and I already was vibing. I'm on side A x2. This is the first live album so far and I was really enjoying it. Very bluesy- Jimi Hendrix-esque with jammy solos and whammy squeals and notey bends, I think there is some distortion. Again, I am no pro musician. Just a novice listener.

Speaking of... I looked up the significance of vinyl weight and it has to do with, basically, the durability of the vinyl and its ability to spin consistently. I feel like all new vinyl nowadays is all heavy and it's probably because most people who really listen to vinyl care about that stuff where as back in the day everything was wax so shit got printed on anything. I dunno?

Drinking tea. Lemon Ginger with a lil bit of splenda. -Its my new favorite desert- I had some soup for dinner. I made it last night, it was White Bean and Kale soup. I make it all the time, especially in the winter, but I normally use veggie broth or veggie bouillon cubes, but I couldn't find them at the store and I was way too lazy to go to another store sew..... I made it with bum bah bah bummmm onion soup mix. lololololol and last night it was <okay>. I was hesitant to eat another bowl tonight for dinner, but I had made so much and I didn't want it to go to waste. And you know what? It. is. so. g o o d! I think it had time to absorb in all the flavors over night and it is yum.

On a more personal note. I was cutting fabric and feeling reflective about the ways I've been presenting myself to people lately and I'm feeling a little unnerved. I feel like the person I am or who I want to be isn't being reflected in the person I actually am. I feel rude and bitter and judgemental and that obviously isn't who I want to be. I don't know how to fix this. I also feel like I am taken advantage of all the time, by everyone. I don't have any friends. And no one that I really want to be friends with.

I've always felt this way. I've always been alone. And I remember the first time someone made me feel not alone in a long time. She was my best friend in college. She just started being my friend one day, she said- "stop apologizing. I apologize all the time too, let's make a deal that the next person who apologizes has to buy the other person a candy bar". She blew my mind. She talked to me like no one had talked to me in years. I kind of didn't believe her. But she just kept being my friend and I loved her. I loved her so much. But you know how things go. People drift apart. I moved away. She always had so many friends. Over time, I think she resented being so close to me. And when I was in crisis- nobody wanted me in their life. And I honestly don't blame them. That's where I'm conflicted.

I accept that I lost. Sometimes I try to process things in a way where I can find a glimmer of promise that maybe I'm not entirely wrong. But it's not true. I am wrong. I am a failure. I messed up. I refuse to shift the blame onto anyone. I take full responsibility. But my mind won't accept it. It fights to balance my reasoning. It's like some kind of defense mechanism that I can't trump. A magnet the refuses to be magnetic on the wrong side and flips every time I try to make contact.

I know I was wrong. I was wrong for not taking my medicines. Its my fault for all the effects it had on my life. Then why does the magnet flip? It says... there has to be a reason. There has to be a reason why those things happened. But there is no sense to it. I can't find the reason. I can't. find. the. reason. So what? Now here I am in nonsense limbo 🫤

"Am I a bad person for what I did?" "No, Amanda. You have a mental illness""I know I have a mental illness, and I stopped taking my medicines like dozen times now. Doesn't that make me a a bad person?" "No, Amanda. You're not a bad person, all this happened for a reason." "Okay. What's the reason?" "................ .......... ... . . "

Mind turns off. Shuts down. Ignores me. Goes Blank. Does not compute. Deafening silence.

I think I'm going to listen to digital music for bit. Mira just knocked my water glass over. AGAIN :S Two more to cut.

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It's the next day. I finished another pencil case. Was feeling very frustrated up until I started typing. And all my worries just flew out of my head. My market is cancelled tomorrow because of snow.

That's what I was thinking about... how in the world am I ever going to make any money from this stuff. Maybe all the money I've been putting up front will pay off in the long game?

....