a writing from January 2021

I poured my heart out to you and you act like you can forget our times I can't get back, but what if we turn the page into a new disaster? And just like that I feel your hate, your despise so intense that I know I'll never get inside you. I'm sick of begging you to let me stay awhile. But I can't let this feeling go that you and I are wrapped in gold. Frustrated is an understatement. Feeling glory only for the score and of course you're winning yet again.

I hope she whispers "goodnite" and holds you tight. I wish I had known that less is more when I texted you lying on the floor. barely breathing, lesson learned. My words are too important to waste on phone calls recorded in basements. If you can't be great it means don't bother, but how can you practice with no friends left at all? I left it all beating like a drum, setting you off, creating waves of ghost to come and haunt me. It felt like a hundred times my heart was ripped from my chest with every vein strangling the bone it was attached to. A tin string rattles and I feel and inner battle in my lungs. He's the one.

I'm not dead, at least now I know I have only one life and I want to spend it right. Is that what we're supposed to do? I am happy here spending my life writing to tell you I'm not suffering. I just want you to be happy. What can I do to make your dreams reality? Because time is running out on us to be. Do you feel me? I keep thinking tomorrow will be the last day to have the real thing. I want you to be both. The one and the other. But we keep going round and round til we've entertained our lives to be head over heals in Faith and Love.

A momentary flash of grief when I think of your voice calling my name. Its been eons since I've heard you talk with a firm hand about how lucky you are to be where I am. I'm a Lucky Star and you're wishing for me to come through. I feel like I've gotten better, but I can't see how you look over all the mistakes I've made. I'll never deserve you.