A New Beginning

I'm writing this post mostly for the website. Just to get something started and to have a physical blog to work with in the design elements of this page. I wrote on several different blogs throughout the years, but I kept a wordpress blog for almost 7 years and that posed a my safe haven of where I could tell my story. I uploaded emails I've sent, poetry I've written, even old ones from high school. However, I dont know exactly the format I plan to use this blog. The reason I took the old one down -and heres where I am going to get real personal and this isn't a exception for me, its my nature- is because I think my therapists may have found it. I got real paranoid because they started to mention things written on my blog. It may have been a coincidence and I hope to God it was because I didn't realize it, but I think it may be my demise to have them read -basically- my journal.

Now I know youre probably thinking "you have therapists?". And to answer your question, Yes. Yes I do. They are probably some of my least favorite people on this planet because I feel like all they do is mock me. Thats why I don't go anymore. I"m still attached to my Program which is where I get my meds and see my doctor, but going to therapy and group therapy is completely optional. This is where I am currently: Without Help.

This is mostly because I trust absolutely no one in this world. Sometimes not even you. Sometimes especially not you. Right now, I am just a bundle of nerves. I'm so scared to say anything to anyone because I'm afraid I will give away my secrets. And to be honest, I don't really have any. Most days I feel like I'm doomed, that I'm going to die slowly and painfully. And it seriously feels like thats whats happening. And to be honest, its not like I don't deserve to, I just wish there was a way for me to redeem myself. I wish there was something I could do, something I could sacrifice to atone for my sins.